10 January 2015
I've been too busy. Too busy to get the words down, the thoughts out from the mind onto the page.
I'd like to say it's been from lots of wonderful things; that I've been distracted by a sweet vulnerable submissive boy, that I've been teasing and torturing him, loving and hurting him.
But alas, however nice the thought, that would be a lie.
How I wish that it were not.
I have been. Not in the way I want to be or wish I'd been. Although I have been lucky enough to communicate with some very wonderful new people of late which brought the year to a lovely end, and indeed has been a great way to start the new.
But, it has, in turn served only to remind me of things that are lacking, things that I need, but it has in a way, made me think, made me realise that I have to take steps to stop things being lacking.
It's not a new years resolution. But yes. It is. Time.
Unfortunately, the distraction in life has simply been because of life. The working kind. The kind that sees you toil through 80+ hour weeks, working at home, in the office, through the night. A laptop by the bed communicating with people on a different continent when things need to be agreed and closed. A notepad filled with nothing but meeting notes and lists of things to do. Lists of lists of things that I needed to do.
Not lists of things I'd love to be doing, that at times, I ache to be doing. But lists of things that I have to do.
I miss having the time to write. I miss having the inclination, the motivation, but more so the inspiration.
The inspiration to the words, to feelings, to emotions, to life.
The inspiration that feeds me, fulfils me, balances me.
We enter a new year.
Many things the same as last apart from the two digits at the end of the date. And yet, many things are different.
The want, the desire for that inspiration in a way that hasn't been there for quite a long time.
I feel the beast prowling.
The emotional sadistic beast.
He has awoken.
He is alive.