23 February 2011

FLRs ~ love? needs? or just hard work . . .

I have lost count of the amount of times I have seen blogs express these very words when it comes to FLR or WLM relationships . .
."it's just not happening, no matter how hard I try",

…”I've been struggling to introduce such a dynamic in my marriage for a few years now without success but I am ever hopeful.”

I too have lost count of the people who have shared their hopes that introducing such a dynamic can work and that unfortunately, it seems a quite rare occurrence where it does work with positive outcomes.  There seems a never ending stream of blogs filled with frustration, filled with futile attempts at trying to introduce an FLR into an existing relationship or marriage.

There are many blogs out there, many submissive males writing expressing their need, their desire to live within a Female Led Relationship (FLR) or indeed a Wife Led Marriage (WLM) and those who have tried to introduce their female partner to the dynamic.  Those who have tried, and continue to try. Those who have tried and have hit a brick wall, those who have tried and succeeded (although these seem to be quite rare in existence)

I even follow many of the blogs as I find it interesting to read their feelings, their desires but also their attempts at trying to introduce them to a dynamic which for me, is the only way I can live.  

But, one emotion, one feeling that seems so commonplace through these writings, is frustration. 

Frustration that they cannot communicate their needs to their wife/partner.

Frustration that if they have taken the step to communicate their needs that trying to get the wife/partner to take the lead isn't as easy as first thought.

Frustration that she seems to go "through the motions" rather than it being something she truly wants or feels is right.

Frustration that it begins, it works but after a short while it fades away.

Frustration that it just isn't meeting the submissive needs, and that frustration that they cannot live as they wish to live.

There are very few "success story" blogs which truly show FLRs working where the male has attempted to introduce the dynamic to the relationship, there are those where it has been a joint move towards the dynamic, but very few (although they do exist!) of those where the male has introduced FLRs to their partner and she has flourished having that control. 

There are those where the FLR is a natural thing for both and there are blogs which you can see this within, (although, even these blogs aren't overly commonplace) but the ones that really stand out, and the ones that there are so many of, are those which just haven't worked, those where they have tried or failed, or those where they simply cannot communicate their submissive needs and their own longings to be within an FLR.

It seems also, that those blogs written from the female perspective who naturally want, need or demand an FLR  are even rarer.  I wonder if this is because it is still something that is still working its way into a way of living? Or is it because it isn't something females in this position feel comfortable sharing? Or, are they so busy leading the relationships that they simply don't have time to blog about it lol

I am one of those who naturally want, need or demand an FLR. I have a need for such a dynamic. 

I am someone who freely chooses the dynamic or more so, demand it. 

My relationships will always be female led.  They will always be led by me.  I couldn't live any other way,  because doing so, just wouldn't be right for me. 

But I also know, if it wasn't right for me, that I wouldn't want to live this way. If it wasn't naturally right for me to be in control, to take the lead, then I wouldn't want to and that it would be a struggle for me to do so and for it to feel right, so I can also understand why there are so many people writing about the struggles they face introducing an FLR or WLM, or even more so, maintaining that within the relationship.

I was surprised at first, by the amount of blogs and writings written from the point of views of the male submissive who have attempted to introduce the concept of FLR or WLM to their relationships, but I am no longer surprised by those that try and either face opposition or those who try, and then the female loses interest and they do not follow through with the control, the discipline or indeed take the lead. 

Of course to live that way for a while, for it to be within grasp, only for it to fade away once again must be incredibly frustrating, perhaps even more so than those who just keep their needs hidden within.  One thing I have learned though, is life is too short for us to not be able to live our lives the way that we want, and that ultimately, we have to either accept or compromise, or take steps to live the way we want, desire or more so need.

There are so many blogs which come to an abrupt end, an end because the dynamic of an FLR or WLM isn't working and that it returns to the vanilla way of living it was before.  There are many which show that having attempted to introduce an FLR dynamic has had a detrimental affect upon the relationship or marriage and that is incredibly sad too.

I was reading one particular blog earlier which simply said that their wife wasn't willing or able to commit to an FLR,  even if she had to begin with, been willing to try, willing to see where it went. And that even though the submissive male may wait for her to re-instigate the dynamic, it isn't happening.   And I sensed his deep frustration, the fact that is he resigning himself that she will not take control, that he will not get the chance to submit and as such, will then not lead the life that he wants or needs to live.  I understand so much just how hard that is, of just why it is frustrating.

I guess there is always the chance that some couples will go through changes where the D/s or FLR dynamics will ebb and flow, times when vanilla living becomes the main way of living, only for the D/s or FLR to return later.  Is that enough to live that way?  Even now, I know that my own "life" takes over so much of the things that I would like to be doing, preventing my truly allowing any dynamic, any FLR to grow and develop.  But this is life, we all have commitments that need to be met, and it can be hard when you are up to your neck in "daily life" to think at times of having to take control or to do things to make the dynamic felt, experienced.  Although, if it is something naturally within you, that dynamic can exist even with the basic of things, always felt in the simplest of ways, something that will enable the female to dominate, the male to submit.

But, you have to want it. Truly want it.

But even then, this is not easy.  Even when it is something naturally felt, naturally wanted or demanded.  But then, any relationship, any dynamic of whatever kind is never easy, they always take work to make them work.  Just some, may take more than others.

I think the natural "ebb and flow" is quite commonplace within FLRs or even within D/s relationships, but, the dynamic and power exchange is always felt. It is always present.  I think if it is something that both want or need from their relationships then it is more likely to flow back after a break than what it is for someone who doesn't need it or necessarily want it.  If the female is only entering into an FLR to please the male and it doesn't work for her, it is I would think incredibly hard for it to "flow" back after an ebb.  After all, what is the motivation for her to want it to come back? 

Being strong minded or strong willed, doesn't necessarily make someone dominant.  More so, being strong minded or strong willed, may make them dominant, but may not give them a need to dominate.  And I think so often, that some will look at someone and think that because they are strong willed, because they may have a dominant personality or be dominant in daily life that they would naturally want to dominate or to lead the relationship, and sadly for some, this is far from the reality. 

I am naturally dominant.

I have a dominant personality. 

However, I also have a need to dominate.

I have  a need to lead, to be in control, to be in control of myself, and the person I am in a relationship with, as well as taking the lead and control over all aspects of that relationship.   I could say, why wouldn't a woman want this, why doesn't she want to jump at the chance of being in control of everything, but, I choose this, I need this because it is naturally right for me.

It took a long time for me to accept that I need this. Time to accept that this is naturally what I want and to feel confident in both myself and my choice.  It took time for me to feel at ease with being the focus of someone else, to be at the centre of their world and having the freedom to make the choices that I wanted or needed to in respect to my life.  The sexual freedom for my needs to be met as well as emotionally or physically. 

Would I want this if I hadn't accepted or if it wasn't naturally right for me?

No. I wouldn't.

I couldn't "attempt" at living a way that wasn't what I needed or wanted, I couldn't "pretend", I couldn't take on a role that wasn't me. 

I am true to myself.

I need to be true to myself and that truth for me comes from an FLR, it comes within D/s, it comes with kink also.  It comes with an acceptance of what I need (including all of the darkness and depravity, the sexual, the sensual and the sadistic too!)

If I were to for example within a vanilla relationship, I would be living within a "role" that isn't for me, I would be compromising on the needs I have, I wouldn't be true to myself.  For me, I cannot live that way and ultimately would rather be single than within a relationship or dynamic that doesn't enable me to be who I truly am.

Have I ended a relationship because of that?


Is it easy to do so?

No of course it isn't.

But, I am also fully aware that if a relationship doesn't meet the needs of the people within it, then it is unlikely to ever truly work.

Maybe this is the same for those who attempt this but cannot follow through, that it isn't them being true to themselves and that it just doesn't feel right for them. That they do it, even if it is to go through the motions, so that they can enable their partner to have their own needs met, but ultimately it isn't what they want.  Someone is always compromising. It just depends just how much you can or will.

There are many bloggers who make reference to their attempts to bring this dynamic into the relationship, the unsubtle "hints", the emails of introducing chastity devices in the hopes that she will go for it.  And so many failed attempts, and so many instances where communicating just doesn't happen.  And that in any relationship is so very important.

Those who write and share their frustrations because they cannot even in the first instance raise the subject with their partner.  The battles within themselves of how to do it, or even if to do it.  Communication is so important, and unless one can find ways of communicating their needs in the correct way, then things will never change, things can never even possibly become a reality.

One thing I am aware of, writing as a female who would want nothing less than an FLR, is that, it would be a struggle for me to fit this dynamic if it wasn't naturally who I was.  Just as the time when I explored the depths of submitting. While that was very real to me, while the feelings were very real to me, it wasn't naturally me.  I felt that I was playing some sort of role, trying to fit into the needs of the Dominant male.  I felt that at times, it was all an act, a role play.  And in the long run, while I had incredible and wonderful experiences which I shall never forget, it did enable me to see that it wasn't who I was and that submitting isn't for me. It isn't who I am.

But for some, taking the lead, being the female in an FLR or WLM can be so far removed from their natural selves that it feels wrong. It feels to them that they are in a role play.  And in such situations, the female is only doing what their partner wants so their needs are satisfied, and that's fine, there isn't anything wrong with that, but what is then not working, is that the submissive's needs aren't actually being met through them serving or pleasing, and they are being left to feel that they are pushing so much that it is in fact them who are making the decisions or leading the relationship. 

And I can understand all to well, why this doesn't work, why it means the submissives needs aren't being met and the difficulties it then causes within relationships.  Room for resentment (from both sides), room for both to feel unfulfilled, room for a crack to build in what may have been a strong relationship.

I however, cannot imagine living any other way. 

I have always been the dominant partner within what a lot of people would consider "vanilla relationships" even if they were filled with kink.  They have, without even realising it been very much female led, led by me.  Daily decisions, big decisions, have all been down to me. Control of the finances, control of so many things, have always been down to me.  At the time, of course I never realised the significance of this, I never realised that my relationships would be described as such.  But they were, and it also has led me to knowing that anything less just wouldn't work for me.  And in turn, I can see why it doesn't work for those who do not naturally want this within their relationship, while for some it doesn't feel right, or that they do it just to please or meet the needs of their submissive partner.

Someone said to me "It must be love, to do this to meet the submissives needs"  or that "it must be too much hard work" but that is just it, I don't do it to meet the submissive's needs, I don't "do it", for any other reason than it is purely what I want, what I need from a relationship.  Neither is it too much hard work.  If it was, then it means the relationship isn't right. Not because being within an FLR, or having that dynamic is too much like hard work.

Ultimately, he is there to make my life easier, in whatever way that is. If he makes it harder, then that is ultimately down to me to change things within the relationship so it is back on track.  But it isn't about "love", it isn't about meeting the submissive's needs, it isn't about being hard work. 

It is my way of living, which is why in turn, I need a submissive who needs this kind of dynamic too. Not one who wants to submit in the bedroom and then be all "macho" out of it, I dont want someone who wants me to take control sexually but then wants to be in control in all other aspects.  It doesn't work that way for me . . .it never has . . .it never will!

An FLR (with all of the kink and D/s thrown in for me) is what I want, what I need.  I don't choose to do it to meet anyone's needs, I don't do it because its "love".

I do it because it is naturally me. 

I want it because I wouldn't be happy living any other way and I do it because for me, it meets my Dominant needs, my sadistic needs, but also because it is me. I need it. Simple really.

I understand the frustrations of those who try to introduce it into their relationships and when it doesn't work.  And just how hard it must be to have a taste of it, only for it to whither away as if it was never attempted, we long for what we had or have tried, and we all know too well, just how much the submissive need can scream!

I understand the needs of those who want their female partner or wife to take control, to be the dominant partner.  I understand that it isn't as easy as people think.  But one thing I do not think that this is the kind of dynamic or lifestyle which one can force or coerce another to follow, that some may find it acceptable, they may fit into the "role", but that in so many cases, that is what it is, a role to be played rather than truly lived, and because it isn't a natural role, that it is for some, so easy to let it go, to attempt and move on. 

I know for me, I couldn't play a role.  I've tried it.  It doesn't work.

I need to to be myself, within the relationship that enables me to be that, it just so happens though, that for me, that DOES come with an FLR, it does come with D/s, and it comes with kink thrown in too.

Maybe I am one of the lucky ones that I am able to live in the way that I want, in the way that meets my needs.  Maybe I am lucky that I am in a place in my life where I will not accept anything less than what I want or need.  Maybe I am lucky to be able to follow the path that I want to walk.

I do know what it is like not to have needs met, I do know what it is like to live with the frustrations when things aren't what we ultimately want. 

But ultimately, we are the only ones who can change that.

However hard it may be.


  1. Excellent post !!!

    It speaks directly to my current situation. It's almost like you have directly referenced my blog. I hope my wife has a chance to read this as it should help her understand the dymanics involved. It may also help justify her feelings, commitments and abilities.

    I'm so glad that you mentioned that many failures exist, especially in respect to pretending and role playing. I absolutely agree that you can't do this to keep someone else happy and you have to do it only because it is what you want.

    I believe that one of the inherent problems with creating a FLR is that most relationships begin vanilla, mainly because neither member is afraid of alarming the other. Until you are in a serious commitment the issue is not concidered. After that, both members have to be willing to change. Being resistant to change is a powerful human trait.

    Thank you so much for your post.

    My two cents, happysubmale

  2. Well written post - Love your thoughts. We agree with everything. Thank you for posting.

  3. Dear happysubmale.

    Thank you for your comment on my post.

    I've read your blogs and can see what you mean with regards to how it reflects your own situation, feelings with regards to the situation with yourself and your wife and just how she isn’t able to commit to the dynamic of an FLR/WLM.

    It seems from your blog, things have changed quickly, from one moment being prepared to wait, to another having the realisation that things aren't happening and do not appear they will in the near future. It seems that you're far from the "happy" that you were or want to be.

    Is there something particular that has led to this quick change of realisation?

    Im sure that it is an incredibly difficult emotional time.

    It is incredibly difficult when you go through experiences which meet your needs, which give you the fulfillment in the way that you want, desire or need, and to have had that, and as you say your wife was so vocal about it when you discussed it. But for that to change and for you to return to how life was previously, it is a big change adapting back and you are then left with a void which while was there previously perhaps is even more felt now that you have had a “taster” of what life can be like.

    This in itself, makes for an emotional journey and I think that is certainly clear from your words. A whole mixture of feelings shout to me from your words in your blogs, I hope that you can and will find a way to work through them all.

    Some questions, which you don't have to answer to me at all, but are you able to pinpoint what it is that isn’t working from your wife’s perspective? Have you been able to communicate with her? Has there been something that has changed within daily "vanilla" life that has come to the forefront and which has taken her focus away from the FLR dyanmic you were attempting to build?

    You mention that she is strong minded, but that, (as I wrote in my own blog entry) doesn’t mean that person wants to dominate and sometimes, if someone is strong minded, is strong willed, in “home” and relationship life, they often want to be the opposite. To have someone take control, to have the freedom that can come from submitting.

    Often life gets in the way. However much we may want the dynamic to be taking certain paths, it doesn’t take a lot at times for the focus to be drawn down another.

    Reading between the lines of what you have written, it would seem that she is certainly distracted, maybe struggling with personal things? If so, maybe she is also feeling the effects of not being able to be what you want or need and this can also place pressure. Perhaps she is feeling that she is unable to meet your needs and fears the damage that this may do to your marriage if she is unable to fulfil your needs ~ all of this however can only be found out through communicating.

    But, when I read your blog “happy vanilla male”, while you may be returning to the vanilla male, it doesn’t seem that the happy goes hand in hand with that. I hope that you will find a way through, both of you, to whatever it is that you both need.

    If you want to bounce ideas around, then I am more than happy to do so and via a different medium which is more “private” than on responses to blog entries.

    It isn’t an easy journey. It is even harder when you are faced with wanting something, knowing how it can be, and then being left with a void when it isn’t there.

    Feel free to message me if you wish Happy, and I hope that the “happy” returns to you soon.

    With kind regards and best wishes, Kat x

  4. Lady Beautiful and Cuckold H ~ to you both, thank you your comment on my post


    Regards, Kat

  5. Very interesting thoughts, Kat. Thank you for shedding some light on the labyrinth of life!

    Any attempt from me to make a comment on this post is a bit like being a complete novice as a cooker and sharing an omelet recipe with the most sophisticated chef! But anyway (and sorry for being a bit shameless), I would like to share my opinion about one of the topics mentioned.

    I really believe that people can change in many aspects and take very different paths along their lives. It is true that many people don't change too much, but I think this is mostly because they don't try really to change. However, we can't so easily change everything at any time.

    Yes, there are many behaviors which are easy to eliminate and replace. Yes, there are many attitudes or even habits which can also be shaped or even completely changed. But then there are also some inner psychologist features inside us that I honestly think that once they are built in our childhood they will be with us forever. And, if possible, changing them substantially will be hugely difficult.

    I would definitely point out as one of those features the one you define so accurately in the post: the need to dominate. Of course psychology world is complex. If someone is strong willed, strong minded, and even somehow dominant but have never felt any kind of need to dominate, then I think it could be possible to make a step forward in the right direction at some point in her life to develop some longing about control. And eventually they could love and need to dominate. And in such a case I think it shouldn’t be difficult at all for her partner to tease her a bit about the wonderful landscapes she is going to find if she chooses to start walking...

    But on the other hand, when someone’s psychological picture is not by any means near the dominant type, honestly, I think it is almost impossible that she will eventually develop any kind of need to dominate. And any attempt to push her in that direction is probably going to be a source of troubles both for her and for the relationship. And obviously a source of frustration for him.

    So, in my opinion, this topic of how to “turn a marriage into a female led one” could be a little less complicated than it seems in some blogs. If she is somehow near there then it might be some room for evolution in that sense. And perhaps it would be much easier than expected. But when she is not, which I guess it is the case most times, then it is like fighting against a wall. Because we are hard as rocks inside ourselves!

    Well, I hope you like omelets :)