A perfect sub?

What makes a perfect sub?

This is the question that someone asked me today.

Firstly, I don't think that there is such a thing. The word "perfect" makes it something that isn't achievable. Something which is a fantasy of something that isn't realistically attainable.

Nobody is "perfect", nobody can be perfect and if we set ourselves up with an expectation of finding someone perfect, then we will always fail.

While no-one can be perfect, I do think it is possible for there to be a "right sub".  A sub that is right for a certain type of dynamic, a sub that is right for me and the things that I may look for or seek.

Just as there can be a Dominant that is right for a particular sub and the type of dynamic or relationship that they may seek or need.  Of course it doesn't mean that things will be perfect (nothing ever is!), nor does it mean that being the "right" person will mean that they do not make mistakes.

After all, everyone does.

In a fantasy world, in the backs of our imaginations I guess we could all have our "perfect" other half.  The perfect sub, or the perfect dominant, someone who would do everything and meet every need.  But, it seems so false. Not a reality, but a robotic fantasy of what someone could never ultimately achieve.

If we aim for that, if that is what we strive for, then I believe we are all going to fall short of that y'know? No-one will ever meet the expectations that we may have, because they are wholly unrealistic.  

I think it is important that we don't aim for that perfection, it isn't compromising, it is being realistic.  Even those we think are "perfect" have their flaws. Their weaknesses. Their failings.

We all do.

So, what can make a sub right for an FLR?

I think it is more a case of certain traits, certain characteristics as well as someone who has the same need and desire for an FLR as I do, but from a submissive angle of course.

I know what I am and I am aware that the type of dynamic that I seek is one which is purely a Female Led Relationship.  So, if that is right for me and in turn I am right for it, then there is more than likely a submissive who it is right for and where the FLR dynamic is right for them too.

Makes sense right?

So, when answering this question earlier I tried to explain that while I don't subscribe to the "perfect sub" that I think there are traits, characteristics that would make someone right for me and for the type of relationship that I would seek.

So . . .what is that?  What can make a sub right for an FLR . . .

Well . . .(and these are my thoughts, and I am not suggesting that someone is going to have all of them!) but . . .

A man who is able to serve with consistency but also constancy.  Someone who doesn't just want to submit or serve when they are horny or aroused.  In short my own dominance, my own need for control and to be in that control extends way beyond the bedroom and I need someone who is able to accept that, embrace it  and need it in the same way.  

A man who is capable of submitting in that way, not someone who only wants to submit in the bedroom. I need more. I expect more and I want him too as well.

A man who isn't submitting to get "rewards" and "treats".  The need and the desire to submit must come from the fulfilment that he gets from submitting.

A man who understands the fact that I don't do rewards.  Yes I do treats, I like to treat someone, gift someone, surprise someone, but not as a reward for service.  I want and need someone who is fulfilled from the pleasure that he gives, but whose ultimate needs are met through that serving.  Not someone who will only do something because there is the expectancy that they will be rewarded for doing it.  That isn't submitting to me.

A man who doesn't need to be "forced" to submit, but someone who does so freely, from his choice, from his desire, because it is how he is wired. It is his psyche.

A man whose submitting isn't conditional.  A man who doesn't only submit when his needs, wants, fetishes or kinks are present.  Let me explain ~ I have no problem with a submissive having wants, needs, desires. After all, if those aren't met, the relationship will fail. What doesn't work for me is that if those fetishes aren't present that it prevents him from submitting.  

A man who enjoys life and the interaction with his partner.  I enjoy life, I enjoy the interaction with a partner on many levels, it isn't all about fantasy for me.  It cannot be for him either.

A man who can communicate, who is able to connect on many levels and not just from a sexual viewpoint.  He must be able to interact, to converse, to discuss, to share thoughts, feelings, emotions, with openness, clarity and honesty.

A man who needs to give himself up to the control.  I need to be in control.  For me, it is all about control.  That control isn't always sexual and at times it can be very much removed from being anything sexual.  The right sub for me is someone who needs to have that control over them, but someone who is quite capable of thinking for themselves, able to make decisions and certainly able to when necessary.  

A man who doesn't need to be micromanaged.  Someone who is an adult and a responsible one at that, I don't want a child and I have no wish to treat someone as a child.  So to be right for me they must be a responsible adult, who wants to be treated as such, but more so, will behave as such.

A man who doesn't manipulate. A man who is non-controlling (after all, that's my domain! lol) but who is quite capable of thinking for himself who isn't fearful or scared of taking the initiative to please without always being told what to do.

A man who will uphold all that he offers, freely.  That he is able to submit and demonstrate that he doesn't always need an instruction to do so, simply because he wishes to please and has a desire to do so. 

A man who is fulfilled in bringing pleasure in many ways, to make someone feel special, who is as responsible for his own happiness as he is for my own, but knowing that it will be that way in return.  He must accept responsibility for his submission and understand that he must do all he can to please his Dominant in the ways that she likes to be pleased.

A man who isn't selfish, who is driven by his desire to serve and please and who finds fulfillment in such.

A man who is honest and open minded, but also realises that every dominant is different and that he must approach a relationship with me with an open and refreshed mind. Expecting it to be different from others' approach and to be open to this and embrace it.

A man who is able to give the space for a dominant to discover her power, and to exert it. But a man who is fully aware that it is as much about his contribution as it is from my side and that it comes from both.

A man who will do what he says, who will fulfill the promises that he makes.  Who is able to anticipate needs and take care of them, even before being asked, and who doesn't need to have orders relayed to him 24 hours a day to do every little thing.

A man who realises it is not about dressing up, it isn't about fetish or kink and that it is about a whole. A whole relationship and that he wants and needs that whole. Someone who agrees that a relationship cannot just survive if it is based on those kinks and fetish.

A man who has a need to follow an FLR, one which involves as much in terms of romantic love and attachment as it does being service orientated.  Who wants a reality not something "scene based".

A man who can laugh as much as he can love. A man who can make me smile as much as he can make me feel adored.  A man who is as self aware as he is sensuous. Who is as comfortable in conversation as he is in silence. Who is attentive, dependable, and willing.

A man who is who he says he is.  A man who wants it all. But who wants it because he needs it, needs it in the form of an FLR, because of what he can give to it, not because of what he can get.

So . . .

There is such a thing as someone who is "right". Whether we ultimately find that, who knows.  But it starts with knowing what we want, what we need, being open with that, but open to it.

So no. I don't think there's a "perfect sub". There isn't a perfect anything.  But I do believe so very much that there can be someone who is "right". Someone who is right for a certain type of relationship.

Someone who is right for another.

Happy Birthday to me!

Well, not to me, but to my blog!

Cannot believe that it is a year ago that I started writing this blog.

It isn't my first and it isn't my only.

But it is my first and only written from the perspective that this one is ~ written in relation to my Dominant and sadistic needs and desires and the thoughts, feelings and experiences along the way.

It is the only one that explores in relation to my own needs and desires of a Female Led Relationship, something that over time I have found has become my natural place to be within.

I wish that I actually had more time to blog, more to blog about, I've got so many blogs "underway" and then don't get around to finishing.  My intentions this month of being a part of NaNaWriMo have certainly gone out of the window due to writers block! I mean, I can't even write the things that I want to, let alone find 50,000 words for a novel in 30 days LOL

I actually started this blog around the time that my paths crossed with "the boy" having taken some time out from "blogging" and things in general.  As those who have read will know, things didn't go as hoped for in that way, but it certainly gave me renewed hope that there are people who do genuinely want to live within an FLR and that I am not flogging a dead horse so to speak.

It isn't for everyone of course.  But I know it is for me.  I know that it is the right thing for me and any future relationship.  The past year has made me realise that even more.  

So while I currently write from my own perspective, my thoughts and feelings, needs and wants but not currently within the type of dynamic or relationship that I want, need or seek.  I do so, because I choose to.  Because this is my outlet and I still write of "reflections", of past experiences and then throw the odd "creative writing" and fiction in for good measure too.

We can never know what the time will bring us.  None of us know what the next year will bring, just as no-one could have predicted what would have happened during this past year.  Things may not always go as we would hope, things do not always work out. 

That's life.

But, I know that I am on the right path.  And I hope that in the coming weeks, months or even the years, that my paths will cross with someone who wants and needs the same type of relationship that I do.  They are out there I know, although reading the blogs that I do, it all seems that they are involved in marriages where they cannot even get their female partner to dominate them, to have that FLR or WLM.  

So maybe that is where they all are . . .but maybe, just maybe, lets hope not!

Anyway, a year on, thank you to those who comment, who read and those who "lurk".

It is nice to have you on board :)

Taking it all

I sat on the edge of the bed and you knelt on the floor before me, your head lowered.  If your eyes had been open you would have only seen my naked legs and the floor before you.  You are breathing deeply, slowly.

I bring your face up to look at me, looking deep into your eyes.

I watch you for the longest of moments, I can tell that you have so many thoughts running through your mind.  You're on edge. Nervous. Scared.  I touch your face gently, my finger tracing the outline of your face, your cheeks and chin.

I kiss you gently.

You feel my fingers playing with and running through your hair, it makes you shiver, it makes you relax and pushes you into the deepest of spaces.  Your eyes drop, you lower your head and I lift your chin with my hand bringing your eyes up to meet my own.

I can see the fear in your eyes, the fear mixed with the look which says "I trust you" regardless of how filled with fear that you are.

I smile at you.

Reassuring you that you are in safe hands, gently stoking your cheek as you lean into my hand to gain a swift moment of comfort, your eyes closing slightly as you breath in deeply all of the feelings that come from the slightest of touch. And I feel you relax into my hand, lapping up its touch against your flushed face.

I continue to look into your eyes, not breaking the gaze, undressing you slowly, until you are naked before me.  I am still watching you intently until your eyes break away and look down.  I lift your chin again with a little more force and instruct you to keep it there.  I push my forefinger in between your lips, forcing them apart, your mouth opens for me, like a baby bird receiving the food from its mother. Your tongue gently circling the finger that is in your mouth

I know that you are ready, instructing you to open your mouth wider and to close your eyes.  I see the fear growing deep within them as I push you back a little, then step up and move gently away.  You close your eyes, your mouth is still wide open.  I see you moving your tongue, swallowing trying to wet the dryness of your mouth.

The door opens and he steps forward, walking into the room until he is standing before you.  You feel his cock at your lips and I see you recoil at this unknown and unwanted intrusion, my hand reaches around your head holding you still, making sure that you do not pull away from him, or from me.  I push you forward onto the length of his cock, it slowly glides into your mouth and into the back of your throat.  

You gag, cough and splutter and he withdraws a little so you can catch your breath.  My hand grips your head, reaching into and taking a fistful of your hair.  I push your mouth back down the length of his cock, you close your lips around him, dropping your throat this time to take him further. You gently suck as he pulls back out and we all hear the deep moan that escapes from your throat as I grip your hair more tightly and as you eagerly, hungrily take his cock back into your mouth.  

His cock is hard, thick and throbbing in your mouth,  your own is beginning to harden at the intrusion into your mouth. I can tell from the expression upon your face that you have tasted the precum leaking from his cock, the first time you have tasted anothers.

My hand keeps your head still as he pumps his cock harder and deeper into your mouth.  You are gagging and choking, tears forming at the corner of your eyes and running down your cheeks. I wipe them away with my other hand as he continues to fuck your mouth.  The movement speeding up, you adjust your head to allow his cock further into your throat, lessening the grip your lips have around him, allowing him in, harder and deeper. And he is speeding up. And you are taking it like a whore.  And your cock is aching and you are moaning between the choking, heaving and gagging. And I see the lust within your eyes, the longing, the pleading, and I know that you are here taking this for me, and it goes straight to my cunt.  And I am aching and longing, watching you loving the thing that you're hating, that you're loving it and taking it just for me.

And I encourage you gently, the cock whore that you are. And your eyes are glazed, glazed with desire and lust and longing.  And he is fucking your mouth and your throat and I am pushing your head further down onto him, his balls banging against your chin. 

And just when you think you're going to choke to death, you feel the warmth of his cum shoot down the back of your throat and you are gagging fiercely at the shock of the liquid.  

"Swallow it all" I whisper in your ear. "Swallow it all like the cock hungry whore that you are!" and you are milking him with your mouth, devouring him, taking him and his load into your mouth and down your throat.

And he pulls out from your mouth, your eyes moving up to meet my own, I look at you and smile, leaning forward I whisper gently in your ear "There's a good boy" and a smile spreads over your face as he pushes his cock back into your mouth as you're told to clean him up properly.  Sucking out every last drop.

"You enjoyed that didn't you?" I ask.

You nod, slowly.

Your face reddening from the humiliation that you're feeling at having sucked another mans cock.  Ashamed that you took him in your mouth, sucking him, milking him with your mouth, ashamed that your own hard cock betrayed the desire that you felt about something that you recoiled for only a moment before.

He steps back away from you and I stand before you, raising your chin up with my hand once more.  I look into your eyes, conveying how pleased I am with what you have just done for me, what you have taken for me.

"I . . .I.  ..thank you, for allowing me to be your whore" you manage to whisper.

I smile.

"Is there something else that I may do for you?" you ask smiling back.

"Maybe JoJo.Maybe"

Keep it to yourself!

So. 

You like my writing.

I appreciate that.

Truly. I do.

And seeing as it seems to be "love our lurkers" day in blogland, I just want to say that yes, I love my lurkers! I love my commenters too.

I appreciate the fact that people have taken the time to read things that I have written, that they then take the time to comment on it also.

I appreciate the feedback that people make in terms of what they have read, in that it may be something they relate to, or that they have simply enjoyed reading.  Or that it has made them think or look at things differently.  It is always nice to know that people have related.

All of that is great.

I love getting the feedback here on the blog, it is why I have the "comments" facility enabled, and while I know not everyone wants to post here, I appreciate the emails and memo's that they send me elsewhere instead.

And I am not complaining or moaning about any of you LOL 

But you know what?

I really DO NOT need to know that it made you "get off" or that it excited you so much you had to wank your tiny little cock!

Firstly, wanking or what someone does to their tiny little cock holds absolutely NO interest for me.  But you know what, it isn't information or feedback that anyone really wants to know or hear about. 

I know that I don't!

I don't care. No, really I don't!

It doesn't interest me.

It isn't going to draw me to you or make me enter into any further conversation with you. So please, just keep those sort of things to yourself! 

It isn't going to get you anywhere. It most certainly isn't going to get you anything, even if you say to me "I'd really like you to do that to me" or "when will you do that to me" (and if you have any sense about you, you'll realise that such comments will mean you're as far away from getting that as you could ever be!)

It isn't going to happen.

No. Honestly.

It isn't!

Silent Movie.

We sat there. 

In silence.  

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he stared forward at the screen and the movie that I had allowed him to choose (and one that he had so wanted to see!)

I was bored. Restless. 

Not interested in the film playing out before me.  

He stared intently. Engrossed. Lost in the storyline.  He remained silent, even when my hand started wandering over the top of his thigh. The tip of my long, neatly french manicured nail drawing patterns through the material of his trousers, almost making contact with his skin.  

I felt him shiver.

I heard the change in his breathing.

I felt the straining of his trousers as his body reacted to my touch.

The guy next to him looked down at my hand wandering over his leg.  Watching the patterns I was making, watching the teasing of my fingers brushing gently over the top of his restrained cock. 

He looked up at me. Smiled. 

You continued to look straight ahead at the movie. I smiled back.

For all intent and purposes, it could have been a silent movie for all I cared.  I was more interested in teasing you as you sat next to me, seeing how long it would take for me to break your gaze from the screen, seeing how long it would take for you to shift uncomfortably at your body's reactions.

I didn't stop.

Not even knowing that the man next to you was aware of what I was doing.  In fact, it made me want to tease you all the more.  I was watching you. Watching him at the same time.

You didn't say a word or make a noise when I slowly undid the zip of the trousers you were wearing, or even when I slipped my hand inside, finding an aroused and hardened cock, twitching, throbbing, begging to be played with.

I intentionally continued despite the pair of eyes next to you watching.  I didn't hide what I was doing. I didn't pick up your jacket from the floor to place over your lap.  I didn't want to hide.  I didn't want to pretend.

I wanted to play.

Freely. No distractions.

Nothing getting in my way or preventing me from doing what I wanted to be doing right then.

No distraction. No barriers. No subtlety.

I didn't want to be subtle. I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

I leant over towards you, whispering in your ear that the guy next to you was watching, that he was jealous that your cock was hard in my hands.  I could feel the heat from your face, your cock twitching in my hand in reaction to the humiliation of knowing that you were being played with, but being watched by some unknown stranger.

I began to play with you more forcefully. My fingers and hands maintaining a strong grip, my fingers finding their way around your cock as they moved the foreskin back and forth, the first drops of precum finding their way to my fingers. I pulled them out, placing them to your mouth as you sucked.

He was watching.  He smiled.

I smiled at him again.  You continued to stare straight ahead.  I could feel your pulse racing. Your heart beating a million beats a minute.  Your face flushed.

You still didn't make a sound.

But began to close your eyes and lose the focus on your film the harder that I teased you.  I could feel your body tensing up beneath my grasp, forcing yourself up into my hands, trying to move to a place where you needed or wanted me to touch you.

And you leant back into the chair and I knew that I had you.  I knew that you were close.  I whispered into your ear that he was still watching you. That I wanted you to keep your eyes open and watch what I was doing, what was happening around you.

And he was watching you. Watching you becoming hard in my hand.  Watching you as you moved to enable me the access that I demanded.  Watching you as in silence you came.

Just like a silent movie.

My Response V ~ sufficiently interested

Dear sufficiently_interested

It is rather strange that you took the time to send a message but all you could comment on was how long my profile took to read and a pathetic attempt at sarcasm at how I must like writing.

So what if I do?

You don't have to read it. 

No-one is forcing you to read it. No-one is forcing you to do anything.

But why bother to comment if that is all you have to say?

You said you read it because you  are "sufficently interested"

Can I just say, so you are left with no doubt . . .that feeling or interest is most definitely NOT mutual. 

I am not even remotely interested, let alone sufficiently so.


Good luck!

Balance

"Some people have confused equality with symmetry, making the assumption that everyone should have the same thing . . . Sometimes setting the same rules for both partners simply doesn't make sense because you are different people who want different things. In attempting to give each person equality you could lose sight of what each person actually wants.  Work to achieve balance rather than equality." Tristan Taormino 

And that is exactly how it works for me.  It is about balance.  It is about achieving a balance.  It is about different people with different needs who want different things and whose needs certainly won't be met by the same rules!

I don't want equality.

I don't want superiority.

I want a balance. 

A relationship which works by giving each person (or persons) within that relationship the balance that they need.  We all have different needs, we all want different things.  There will of course be needs and wants that are shared, but it is still quite possible to have those different needs and wants met, even when there is such a big difference.

I do not want symmetry and I think just with how they are established that a relationship with power exchange cannot reflect symmetry, not really.  I don't think they are about "equality", but they are about a balance.  A balance which is achieved through that exchange of power, a balance which is achieved because there are different rules for each person, but ones which enable each persons needs to be met.  That the exchange of power brings about that balance, brings about those needs being met, regardless of how different they actually are.

I need to be in control.  For me, it is all about control.  I need to dominate because that is who I am. What I am.  What I need.  The balance within my own relationships comes from being with someone who has quite the opposite needs and it comes with that power exchange.

Of course each relationship will find balance in different ways, according to the needs of each person and in what way they achieve it or indeed perhaps need it.  But for me, it isn't about equality or my being superior, it is all about achieving a balance.

And I very much need that balance.

But it comes from an exchange of power.

It comes from being within female led relationships, it comes from aspects of D/s, it comes from my dominating over someone who submits, simply it comes from my being in control.  It comes from the bringing together of two different people who are at different ends of the D/s spectrum. But because they do, they naturally balance.

And that works for me!

Except we didn't . .

I dreamt about you last night.  Yes you!

I dreamt that you and I fucked.

A dream, that felt so real it could quite easily have been a memory of the reality rather than a dream of an illusion.  When I woke I really had to stop and work out whether it was a dream, reality or an illusion. 

I was aroused.  I was wet.

I dreamt that you and I fucked.

We were there. You know the place we always liked to be.  The place we have been so many times before.

Except we weren't.

You kissed me. Deeply. Passionately. Hard.

Except you didn't. 

I pulled you closer, and I remember so clearly the way that you touched me. I remember so vividly the feeling of your hand in between my legs as I orgasmed over your fingers, watching your face as you licked each finger clean. 

I remember every feeling, every moan, every escaped breath. 

You were wearing black.  And blue.   I said how apt as I wanted to mark you black and blue.  I removed your clothes, forced your head between my thighs as I melted into that most wonderful moment as your tongue plunged deep inside me.

Except it didn't.

The orgasm you brought me to when your fingers plunged into my ass.  The wetness glistening over your face as you looked up at me. 

Except it wasn't.

And I asked you to fuck me. 

Just in the way we had always enjoyed fucking. Fast, Hard. Deep. And I felt it. I felt you. And I orgasmed as you came inside me.

Except you didn't. 

But I dreamt of you last night.  You fucked me. 

And it was just how I always remembered.

Except JoJo. This time we didn't.

Lose the labels!

"I have tattoos, so I’m a trouble maker. I have curves, so I’m fat. If I wear makeup, I’m fake. If I say what I think, I’m a bitch. If I cry some times, I’m a drama queen. If I have guy friends, I’m a slut. If I stand up for myself, I’m mouthy. Seems like you can’t do anything nowadays without being labeled. So what, go ahead and label me, see if I give a shit…"

Ellen Dunsworth

Labels. 

There is something about labels that seriously get up my nose.  There seems to be a whole plethora of people who want to place labels on everyone else, or try to place themselves under a label which they are never going to fit.

I am an individual.

I take pride in that fact.  I like the fact tht I am different from many people and I don't try to make myself like another.  In short, I always try my upmost to stay true to myself, my beliefs, my wants and needs and desires.

And because of that I am not fond of labels.

I am not interested in having labels placed upon me, I am not interested in being labelled as anything, or defined as such.  Although to be honest, there would be so many that could possibly fit the list could be endless; and that is because I am who I am. 

I cannot fit into any little box which describes who I am or the needs that I have.  It would be impossible, unless I was to be chopped up into smaller pieces and each piece of me placed under all the appropriate labels that could potentially fit.

Of course in certain situations, lables can help in some ways.  They can help us to try to understand, get others to understand. They can go some way to explaining.

But, as is so often the case, people allow these labels to define them, to define who they are and their actions.  But in allowing this to happen, it can go so far that, not only do they define the person, but that person shapes themselves to fit the label.  That the label can mould the person so that they fit, instead of being what they are whatever that may be.

This, is something we see a great deal of in relation to BDSM.  A whole host of labels of dominant, top, submissive, slave, switch, sadist, masochist. . . it really is endless.  And people all over the place are trying to place themselves under a label to "fit".  And yet, on top of that, there's the whole host of labels given to the relationship dynamics too ~ D/s, M/s, FLR, HOH, Vanilla etc etc etc  But, many relationships bring together aspects from different ones, and it then becomes almost an impossibility to use any label.

It is the same for people.

Or at least for me it is.

I know that I do not fit into the traditional "Domme" role.  I know and am fully aware that I have been dominant all of my life, I know that I am dominant and that I have the need for control and to be in control.  I have even had what for me I guess I can refer to as a "vanilla" relationship yet, it was still female led.  And yet, it didn't need to be labelled anything.  I don't believe that I, or my relationships need to be labelled as anything, because there isn't just one that fit.  There would be many. Things that describe the dynamic and the people within them, things that describe the characteristics of those within them . . .it cannot be just one.

When I first discovered all things "BDSM", I did explore in depth the labels that get thrown around.  What they mean. What they stand for.  And like so many, there was a time in the very early days that I even tried to apply them to myself, my wants, my needs, my relationships.  But then when we label, there is this pressure that we place on ourselves to change.  There is a pressure to "fit" under that label and what others think or believe is right or wrong.

As such, these labels then change us.  They do not represent who we are. And I strongly believe that they hinder me.  And I say me, because I know that for many, they live for labels and place themselves underneath them. 

So. For me. Labels went out of the window.

I am who I am.  And while I may not fit under what labels people try to pigeon hole me under, I fit into what is right for me.  I fit quite perfectly in my world.

I am me.  People can draw whatever conclusions they wish.  In fact, people will draw whatever conclusions they wish to even without the labels.

But I know what I like. What I don't. I know what I want.  What I don't. I know what I need from a relationship, what I need from another as well as from myself.  I don't need labels to tell me that.  I don't need to be defined or limited by such.

I have always known I was kinky.  And I mean, from earliest sexual fantasies. I have always been dominant. I have always been in control of my life, my actions and the things I do within it.  I have a need for that control and have to have it.  But, I also am aware that my needs in terms of relationships don't fall under any "label" either. 

It simply is, for me, a way of being.

Whether people think that certain aspects are D/s, M/s, "Vanilla", Femdom, FLR.  It doesn't ultimately matter.  Everyone will have differing beliefs and opinions as to what comes under what label anyway.  Everyone will have different definitions, everyone will have a different angle, a different approach. And that is ok . . .but it also means that labels themselves lose their value and their validity.

What fits under a label for one, will not for another.  So in that way, labels cannot really help.

Yes of course, they can have some positives in terms of helping to explain, to give some "idea", to help others understand.

But, labels can define us.  Labels can hinder us and limit us. But more so, we can find that we change to fit under certain labels, because others think that is how it should be.

It isn't. 

We just need to be true to ourselves.  Be happy with our way of being.  It doesn't need to be defined, or limited, or hindered.  Quite simply, it does not need to even be labelled.

So, let's just be.  Let's lose the labels!

The first time . . .

I could sense the anticipation that was building up within your body, I could see the fear within your eyes even though you were looking away from me. 

Your body trembled, we weren't even close, our skin even barely touching.  I lean forward over you, leaning close into your ear as I whisper gently into it.

"You ready?" I asked.

You nod your head slowly.  

"I asked if you are ready"

"I . . .I think so . . ." you said in a broken whisper and I could tell that your mouth was dry.  That the fear you were feeling was preventing you from talking.

"Tell me. Tell me that you are ready. Tell me what you want.  Tell me what you need"  I urge you, wanting to hear the words from your mouth. Wanting to hear you plead and beg, and ask for what you wanted.

"I need. . . I want . . .I oh god, I need . . .need to be . . ."

"What do you need? You need to be what?" I asked gently, encouraging you to speak, to open up.  I know that making you say it out loud will only add to the humiliation that you're feeling right now.  That you are ashamed of wanting what you want . . .what you need . . .even more so admitting it.

"I want . . .and oh god I want to be fucked.  I need to be fucked."  you speak in the gentlest of whispers.

"How much do you need it? Tell me how much you want it."

"Please. Please I want it so badly.  I need it so much."

You are almost begging now through your words, the sense of urgency screaming from the gentlest of whispers.  The tone clearly showing me the pleading from within and clearly showing the need that you have.  But yet, you also know that in begging, it sparks off the beast within me. It makes me want to hurt you.

But right now, your body is trembling as I touch you, as I run my hands over your back.  You are naked. On all fours before me.  Your arms shifting occasionally as they are shaking and struggling to keep you in that position.

"Please. Please fuck me. I. Want. It. So. Badly.  I need. It. So. Much."

You have turned your head to look at me, so that you can show me the meaning behind your pleadings.  I look into the depths of your eye as a tear forms in the corner of your eye.

"Are you sure it is what you want?"

I know that you are begging, pleading, desiring it so much. But I need to be sure.  I need to know that it is truly want you want. Even though you say it is, I give you one last chance to change your mind.

"Yes."

"Sure?"

"Yes. I want it so much. I need it so much.  Please? Please . . . " 

I stand away from you.

Watching the emotions seeping through your body.  The arousal of your cock betraying the desire that you have despite the fear in your eyes. 

And I turn and nod.

And he is stood behind you.

And he is pushing his cock into the entrance of your ass.

"Oh. My."


"Do you want to stop?" I ask, making sure that this is really what you want.

"No. God no. Don't stop.  I can feel it in me. . . .oh god . . .I can feel it going in me."

He starts to push his cock into your ass. You are gasping and sighing. Pleading and begging. Breathing and whimpering.  I am stood there watching him fucking you. 

"It's so big. Oh God. I need this so badly.  Please Sir, fuck me hard!"

And as I look at you pushing yourself back onto him. I look up at him and nod. Giving him the ok to do just what you asked for.

"Ok.  Fuck him.  Fuck him hard!"

And as I look down at you lost to the moment, that is exactly what he did.

You've gotta go sometime

"And I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do, I don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it. You've gotta go sometime."  Great Gig in the Sky. Pink Floyd

 

I have just realised that this is the first time within my blog that I have mentioned anything even remotely music related.

I have a love of music, in the same way I have of words, of poetry.  There are just some pieces that are incredible.  The images that they create do not need words, they do not need explanations.

And this piece of music came to me today . . .mainly because the lyrics came to me today.  It is one of my favourites . . . and it is HERE  and although there are different versions, I particularly loved the one that featured on the Pulse Album from 1994. 

It is incredibly haunting.

Beautiful. 

It doesn't need words.  It just *is*But one that I love.  It is one to listen to, relaxing in a darkened room, maybe by candlelight . . .it brings memories.

Bittersweet memories.  Of a time that was, but one that will not be again.  Wow, today has been a day of reflection. Of memories.  Of things that have been, maybe it is because I have been reflecting . . .reflecting on the things in my present, and the thoughts I have been having regarding the future.

Reminders . . .

"When someone is truly in your heart, they are never truly gone. They can come back to you even at unlikely times" 

For One More Day, Mitch Albom


It seems an age ago that I lost you.  And even back then, I missed you more than you know.

I still do. 

When someone is in your heart, they are never truly gone. 

Somedays, I wish you were.

I wish you were gone.

I wish the memories and feelings and all that was, was gone.  I know that what was, will never be again.  And although the memories come back, goddamit I don't want them back anymore.  I don't want anything anymore!!!

They came back.

The memories. Not all of them good. But I know that you won't.

Time may take away the harsh edges of the memories. It takes away the hurtfulness of the words that you spoke.  It takes away the ugliness of what you were capable of; of what you did.  Thankfully time and distance smoothes the edges. 

But I wish time would wash them all away, like the sea washing over the sand, smoothing it over leaving no traces of anyone that has been there before it.  I want that sea to wash over me, my heart, the debris that you left in the wake of your storm.

But even though it was hard.  Even though the final "goodbye" was something that I had to do.  It is still difficult.  It is still hard.

Goodbyes are never easy. Even when you know that they are the right thing to be doing.

You played a big part in my life, and even though some of that was so toxic, I know that was because of what infected you, and not "you".  It was so rare though, that the "you" was something witnessed.  I know that I was priviledged to see "you". I know so few have.

I miss "you", the real you. The you that you enabled me to see. To know. To care for. To love. 

That distance that has been there since we started the separate paths has never felt so great.  I find myself wondering how you are. How things are. Whether you continue to get the help that you need. Whether you are still in the same place that makes you push everyone away, especially those that care.  But always me.  It has always been me that you have pushed away. 

I would be lying if I said that it didn't hurt. 

It does. 

I don't miss the brutal and ugly words that at times so easily fell from your mouth.  I don't miss the way that you felt it ok to treat people as you did.  But I do miss you. 

And I thought of you today. 

The thought of you and the feelings that came, starting in the depths of my heart, in the pit of my stomach and I felt it rising to my eyes.  I couldn't fight it anymore, fighting the tears that I have fought back for you for so long.

I hate to cry. I mean REALLY hate it. 

And I wanted to scream at you. Why? Why did you? Why did you do it?

Why . . . .?

I tried so hard to do what I could. What I thought that you wanted and needed at that time.  I tried so hard not to be worried or angry, or hurt by your actions.

I was all of those things.

And although I still am, the passing of time takes away the harshness of it all.  And yet, even now, you find a way in. Find a way to bring those feelings back to the surface with their full force.

Your words resonate in my mind.  My heart carries the scars that you inflicted upon it.

It didn't make sense. 

You didn't make sense. There was no real reason. There was no explanation.  You were selfish.

You always were.

You could be so strong at times, but so damned weak and cowardly on others. 

And as I thought of you today, I felt so much anger at you.  A burning intense anger that made me want to scream!!!!

Angry that you've made me feel this way. That even after this passing of time, that even from a distance, the tears finally came about you. 

And who would have thought that they would come now?

After all this time?

After all that you put me through.

They come now.  What the hell is that all about?

Fuck you!